Strong cold winds buffeted me and my head throbbed lightly from the ever faithful hangover as I stood at the roadside coffee vendor, sipping my morning dose of cheap caffeine. Impatient as always, I checked my watch. I had to sit down with my client in fifteen minutes and my friend was still not here. A drop of water fell on the crystal clear glass of my watch. I looked up.
The skies were heavy with clouds, it would rain soon.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. It didn’t. The weather didn’t calm me like it used to before. Now it was just an element of a passing time. A time that was too slow in my bid to spend my life away. My mind wandered back to a day some years back, to a moment of sweet smell, long flowing hair and a happy laugh on a similar rainy day. Long back, when time wasn’t so slow. Maybe time is getting older like me. I smiled despite my irritation at my friend who had gone on a ‘bass paanch minute’ drive.
I pushed the thought of the memory away. Reminding myself of what a trip down memory lane would do to me. After finishing my coffee, with nothing better to do, I flipped out my phone and went through my schedule for the day. Again. Impatiently I looked down the road again, hoping to see my friend coming. Nothing. Just a couple walking up the road. The cold wind blew her hair around behind her. She was smiling and had her arms wrapped around the arms of the guy she was with and rested her head on his shoulder. He had his hands around her waist. My mind raced back to a memory once more.
I was on a rooftop. She was standing in front of me, her hands outstretched and resting on my shoulders. My palms made the way from her back to her hips as we moved away from the embrace. She smiled. I grinned.
‘I love you’ she tilted her head ever so slightly while she said that. I looked into her beautiful kohl rimmed eyes, they were bright and seemed to be searching for something inside my own. Something they were sure they would find.
‘I love you too love’ I whispered.
She smiled widely now and pulled herself into my arms again and purred ever so slightly. I wrapped my arms around her and forgot there was any world other than this.
And then in the image I was quickly replaced by another. She was someone else’s world now.
A pang of loneliness pulled me back to reality. I realized how my arms were empty, that all I had caressing me were the cold winds of the day and nothing more.
No warmth
Anger at my helplessness quickly replaced my loneliness. I paced to and fro, angry at nothing in particular, but everything in general. And very quickly I felt a hollowness creep into my chest, my heart beat faster and my breaths became harder and shallower. My pace slackened, and I concentrated on deep breaths as I tried to control my mind’s reactions to hurt it wasn’t meant to endure.
‘Bhaiya jaldi ek cigarette dena’ I commanded the shopkeeper. Probably sensing my urgency, he passes me a cigarette quickly. I lit it with trembling hands and took a long puff. And then another, and then another in quick succession. And as the nicotine entered my bloodstream I calmed a little.
Soon. I should die soon.
It used to be much more difficult. Such flashes of memory used to be my days and nights until one night I had realized I needed help. So I resorted to smoking and drinking to dull my senses.
I turned my head the other way as the couple I had seen walk up the road passed me by. I checked my watch again. Only two minutes had passed. The cigarette felt inadequate. It didn’t fill the loneliness right. I knew only one cure existed to my loneliness, and it was far away. Probably only waking up now, in someone else’s arms. And the thought triggered another flash of memory.
As the alarm beeped, my eyes opened to see her lying in my arms beside me. Presently, she awoke to the alarm as well. She fumbled around looking for her phone. Found it on the floor beside her and turned off the alarm. Then she turned to me.
And she smiled.
‘Good Morning’
Torn between kissing her and looking at her flawless features, I managed a quick kiss.
‘Good Morning’ I replied.
She came in and gently brushed her lips against mine.
‘I Love you’ she breathed.
I kissed her back.
‘I love you too’
It took every ounce of my willpower to not breakdown into tears. I felt my legs go weak. I took another long puff of the cigarette..
She used to be mine.
I checked my watch again. Only 3 minutes. Time indeed was getting old.
As I bought another cigarette from the shopkeeper, I heard the roar of a familiar engine and looked down the road. The black Gallardo tore down the street and rolled to a stop beside me. The picture perfect custom paint job almost reflected the dark clouds in the sky. The doors opened and my friend stepped down grinning from ear to ear.
‘I’m never going to get enough of it’ he screamed. ‘I love you dude!’
I smiled heartlessly.
‘If I ever die. It’s yours’ I returned his hug as he tried to show his gratitude.
‘Don’t tempt me man. People kill for much less’ he said jumping up and down.
‘Bhaiya kitne ki hain?’ a young guy from the crowd that had gathered around the car asked me.
‘Bohot ki’ I replied and turned back to my friend.
‘Today would be a good day to try’ I told my friend.
His features hardened and I noticed the hurt show on his face for a split second. He hid it well, but I had seen it.
He remembers.
‘Kaisi hain woh?’ I asked him.
‘I don’t know’
‘Chal na bey, I know you must have called her last night to wish her.’
He looked at me for a couple of seconds and decided to give in.
‘She is ok.’ He replied. ‘Tere baarein main puch rahi thi’
‘I hope she is happy’
‘I don’t know dude.’ He replied. ‘It’s not like she would let me know.’
‘I hope she is’ I sighed.
That would be the only silver lining to all this.
‘How is her daughter?’ I asked with a pang of regret.
‘Well.’ He replied. ‘You should talk to her. At least today.’
‘Do you have any idea how much this day means to me? I don’t have a more special day throughout the year. But that is all gone now dude. This day belongs to other people now.’
We both went silent again. And another memory of this day some years ago ignited itself in my head.
We were in her car. I was driving. She had turned around on her seat and was lying on my chest with her arms wrapped around me.
‘Love’ I called to her.
She looked up, her chin resting on my chest, her eyes trying to seek out what I was going to say.
‘Bol’
‘I have something for you.’
‘What?’
‘Get my bag peechey se’
She whined and buried her face into my chest stubbornly.
‘Not now’
I pulled her apart and made her sit on her seat.
‘Dekh na!’
‘Later’
‘Now. Quick!’
She looked at me accusingly and then half grumbling pulled my bag from the back seat of the car and opened it.
‘Take out the golden packet.’
She pulls it out and reads the letters Da Milano printed on the cover.
I expect her to scream and shout, but nothing. Slightly wide eyed, she opens the packet and pulls out the clutch I had picked for her.
‘Do you like it?’
‘I love it!’ she smiled. ‘But kutte! Why? Where did you get the money for all this?’
‘I saved it’ I smiled.
‘Don’t spend so much on me.’ She hugged me again. ‘When you start earning, then I won’t say anything. But don’t do so now’
I still remembered her joy that day as if it happened only yesterday. She had spoken about the bag and how people were jealous of it for days on end. This time in reality, away from mental musings I smiled. There was something no one could take away from me.
Memories of joy I had given her. It was still mine.
‘I shouldn’t call her.’ I told my friend. ‘It doesn’t help things. I’ll see you later.’
I waved to him as I walked to my car, I bustled through the crowd around my car, stepped in and got the engine running. It roared to life as I gripped the steering wheel. The car of my dreams. All these years later, it was mine. But before I hit the gas, I looked to the empty passenger seat and was reminded of how little this car meant now.
Today I could buy her all the clutches she wants. As many as she wants.
As I winded down the street, and the rain started pouring down in sheets, I imagined she was sitting there in the passenger seat beside me. And I smiled.
Happy Birthday love, I whispered as the tears trickled down.
The skies were heavy with clouds, it would rain soon.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. It didn’t. The weather didn’t calm me like it used to before. Now it was just an element of a passing time. A time that was too slow in my bid to spend my life away. My mind wandered back to a day some years back, to a moment of sweet smell, long flowing hair and a happy laugh on a similar rainy day. Long back, when time wasn’t so slow. Maybe time is getting older like me. I smiled despite my irritation at my friend who had gone on a ‘bass paanch minute’ drive.
I pushed the thought of the memory away. Reminding myself of what a trip down memory lane would do to me. After finishing my coffee, with nothing better to do, I flipped out my phone and went through my schedule for the day. Again. Impatiently I looked down the road again, hoping to see my friend coming. Nothing. Just a couple walking up the road. The cold wind blew her hair around behind her. She was smiling and had her arms wrapped around the arms of the guy she was with and rested her head on his shoulder. He had his hands around her waist. My mind raced back to a memory once more.
I was on a rooftop. She was standing in front of me, her hands outstretched and resting on my shoulders. My palms made the way from her back to her hips as we moved away from the embrace. She smiled. I grinned.
‘I love you’ she tilted her head ever so slightly while she said that. I looked into her beautiful kohl rimmed eyes, they were bright and seemed to be searching for something inside my own. Something they were sure they would find.
‘I love you too love’ I whispered.
She smiled widely now and pulled herself into my arms again and purred ever so slightly. I wrapped my arms around her and forgot there was any world other than this.
And then in the image I was quickly replaced by another. She was someone else’s world now.
A pang of loneliness pulled me back to reality. I realized how my arms were empty, that all I had caressing me were the cold winds of the day and nothing more.
No warmth
Anger at my helplessness quickly replaced my loneliness. I paced to and fro, angry at nothing in particular, but everything in general. And very quickly I felt a hollowness creep into my chest, my heart beat faster and my breaths became harder and shallower. My pace slackened, and I concentrated on deep breaths as I tried to control my mind’s reactions to hurt it wasn’t meant to endure.
‘Bhaiya jaldi ek cigarette dena’ I commanded the shopkeeper. Probably sensing my urgency, he passes me a cigarette quickly. I lit it with trembling hands and took a long puff. And then another, and then another in quick succession. And as the nicotine entered my bloodstream I calmed a little.
Soon. I should die soon.
It used to be much more difficult. Such flashes of memory used to be my days and nights until one night I had realized I needed help. So I resorted to smoking and drinking to dull my senses.
I turned my head the other way as the couple I had seen walk up the road passed me by. I checked my watch again. Only two minutes had passed. The cigarette felt inadequate. It didn’t fill the loneliness right. I knew only one cure existed to my loneliness, and it was far away. Probably only waking up now, in someone else’s arms. And the thought triggered another flash of memory.
As the alarm beeped, my eyes opened to see her lying in my arms beside me. Presently, she awoke to the alarm as well. She fumbled around looking for her phone. Found it on the floor beside her and turned off the alarm. Then she turned to me.
And she smiled.
‘Good Morning’
Torn between kissing her and looking at her flawless features, I managed a quick kiss.
‘Good Morning’ I replied.
She came in and gently brushed her lips against mine.
‘I Love you’ she breathed.
I kissed her back.
‘I love you too’
It took every ounce of my willpower to not breakdown into tears. I felt my legs go weak. I took another long puff of the cigarette..
She used to be mine.
I checked my watch again. Only 3 minutes. Time indeed was getting old.
As I bought another cigarette from the shopkeeper, I heard the roar of a familiar engine and looked down the road. The black Gallardo tore down the street and rolled to a stop beside me. The picture perfect custom paint job almost reflected the dark clouds in the sky. The doors opened and my friend stepped down grinning from ear to ear.
‘I’m never going to get enough of it’ he screamed. ‘I love you dude!’
I smiled heartlessly.
‘If I ever die. It’s yours’ I returned his hug as he tried to show his gratitude.
‘Don’t tempt me man. People kill for much less’ he said jumping up and down.
‘Bhaiya kitne ki hain?’ a young guy from the crowd that had gathered around the car asked me.
‘Bohot ki’ I replied and turned back to my friend.
‘Today would be a good day to try’ I told my friend.
His features hardened and I noticed the hurt show on his face for a split second. He hid it well, but I had seen it.
He remembers.
‘Kaisi hain woh?’ I asked him.
‘I don’t know’
‘Chal na bey, I know you must have called her last night to wish her.’
He looked at me for a couple of seconds and decided to give in.
‘She is ok.’ He replied. ‘Tere baarein main puch rahi thi’
‘I hope she is happy’
‘I don’t know dude.’ He replied. ‘It’s not like she would let me know.’
‘I hope she is’ I sighed.
That would be the only silver lining to all this.
‘How is her daughter?’ I asked with a pang of regret.
‘Well.’ He replied. ‘You should talk to her. At least today.’
‘Do you have any idea how much this day means to me? I don’t have a more special day throughout the year. But that is all gone now dude. This day belongs to other people now.’
We both went silent again. And another memory of this day some years ago ignited itself in my head.
We were in her car. I was driving. She had turned around on her seat and was lying on my chest with her arms wrapped around me.
‘Love’ I called to her.
She looked up, her chin resting on my chest, her eyes trying to seek out what I was going to say.
‘Bol’
‘I have something for you.’
‘What?’
‘Get my bag peechey se’
She whined and buried her face into my chest stubbornly.
‘Not now’
I pulled her apart and made her sit on her seat.
‘Dekh na!’
‘Later’
‘Now. Quick!’
She looked at me accusingly and then half grumbling pulled my bag from the back seat of the car and opened it.
‘Take out the golden packet.’
She pulls it out and reads the letters Da Milano printed on the cover.
I expect her to scream and shout, but nothing. Slightly wide eyed, she opens the packet and pulls out the clutch I had picked for her.
‘Do you like it?’
‘I love it!’ she smiled. ‘But kutte! Why? Where did you get the money for all this?’
‘I saved it’ I smiled.
‘Don’t spend so much on me.’ She hugged me again. ‘When you start earning, then I won’t say anything. But don’t do so now’
I still remembered her joy that day as if it happened only yesterday. She had spoken about the bag and how people were jealous of it for days on end. This time in reality, away from mental musings I smiled. There was something no one could take away from me.
Memories of joy I had given her. It was still mine.
‘I shouldn’t call her.’ I told my friend. ‘It doesn’t help things. I’ll see you later.’
I waved to him as I walked to my car, I bustled through the crowd around my car, stepped in and got the engine running. It roared to life as I gripped the steering wheel. The car of my dreams. All these years later, it was mine. But before I hit the gas, I looked to the empty passenger seat and was reminded of how little this car meant now.
Today I could buy her all the clutches she wants. As many as she wants.
As I winded down the street, and the rain started pouring down in sheets, I imagined she was sitting there in the passenger seat beside me. And I smiled.
Happy Birthday love, I whispered as the tears trickled down.
Awesome.... Padhke maja aagaya
ReplyDelete